I had my series of up and down, going through hell and back and when I find myself back in the light knowing in a matter of time I will fall back into my hellish world. Growing up I always felt I never truly belonged in this world, I know I felt it because I know in my heart I don’t belong, I don’t have a place in this world, let alone in my family. Not long ago I asked my mother if she ever regretted having me, the question arise because looking back in my life I saw and noticed how differently from my brothers. I have always noticed that no matter how big or how little things my brother had accomplishment have been, she would always be proud of them, bragging to whoever will listen, to my mother and family they could never do wrong, whereas for myself, all I do is wrong, never saying she has ever been proud of me, only news about me would be about things I did wrong, always feeling that I was a disappointment. Of course, there is no surprised to why I was always withdrawn from the family, why I always stood on my own no matter what as I never felt like I could count on anyone but myself, especially my family. So, asking her if she regretted having me, her answer was, “no” but knew she did regret having me due to how differently I was treated compared to my brothers, the other reason was not long ago I was told from a family member who finally came out and told me, told me that she wanted to give me up for adoption. I try my best to look pass everything from the past but at times I find it hard get pass that fact that in the long run I had to take care of myself. 

I always had to take care of myself, from the moment my mom decided to abandon me, not in a way as people may not considered as abandoning a child, but to be it felt that way. Going for a summer visit at my grandparents all in a different city, different state, and when summer was over, I was ready to go back home with my mother, but my mother tells me no, no that I couldn’t come home and had to live with my grandparents. Living with my grandparents I always found myself lost in the shuffle, always finding myself to fend for myself, to take care of myself. From that day on I knew more and more, feeling that I was never wanted but then again why would anyone want me, someone who was never meant to be here, it became to no surprise to me why I was pushed aside. Even to this day, I see the difference between my relationship with my mother, compared how it is with my brothers. My mother who regularly calls my brother to check on them and their family, and when it comes to me the only time I talk or will have a conversation with my mother is if I call her and reach out first and never the other way around. So I always knew I was outcasted, but knowing that I was a mistake when I was born, to me it makes sense why I get pushed aside, makes sense why when things go right, it never stays that way because I was never meant to succeed and be happy, no matter how hard I try it all falls apart, it all falls apart because all the good that happens to be gets taken away because I was never meant to receive it since I was never meant to be born. My life will always be a dark world for me, but knowing this I find myself at home because that it is where I belong. For the longest time I tried to believe, I tried to fool myself I can find a place, I can make something of myself, but for the longest time I lived a lie thinking I could belong, but I know that no matter how hard I try I will never belong, I will never have a place in this world.

I have accepted this life, my so call life. Even when things are good I know it will never last, always waiting for it to fall apart as it always does, knowing that that I will never belong in this world forever feeling like a piece of puzzle that was thrown into the wrong box, a piece that has no place, knowing that I was never meant to belong.