My thanks goes to my friend Amanda, who reminded me that I am not alone, and put me on the right path to figuring myself out.💜

I remember the day that I started feeling more lost and lone, more than I ever had, the day that I discovered the only thing that could soothe me and bring me out of my own darkness. When I felt the sharp cold blade slice into my skin, and with each stroke I would go deeper, as the pain, the physical pain would take away from my emotional pain. That is when I discovered the tool to cope when I felt the darkness over coming me, a way to soothe me and bring me back into the light, even if it only lasted for a moment.

I never quite felt like I fit in, not just in this world but within my family I felt more lost, and even more alone when I was surrendered by them. On that day, as the darkness began to consume me, I fell deeper than I ever felt before. Ever since that day, the aftermath, never feeling like myself, as if I lost a part of myself, living my in a world where this is constantly weighing me down, this day is something I am not proud of but at the same time feel like a failure at the same time because I could even do this one thing right. I often used work to keep me busy, so when we were in quarantine and despite texting and reaching out to check up on others and knowing with what is going on, none responded not even with we okay, about you, are you okay, just asking for a simple text back. So there I was not having anyone to talk to as I was forced to be with my thoughts, feeling more isolated than ever, left with only my thoughts where even my music couldn’t keep me distract from myself anymore as it once did, and those who know me I don’t do well with my thoughts as I fell deeper and deeper into the abyss of my darken world, but the distractions I had were no longer helping, and the people I counted on that got me through times when I felt lost and alone where no where to be found, not hearing back from anyone that promised to always be there weren’t there. As I fell so deep that even the self harming wasn’t helping with the pain anymore like the way it did before, that I decided to down a lot of pills in hope to overdosed and refrain from ever existing, a world I never felt I belonged in and had no place in. Everyday I have been having a rough time trying to survive, and even now still feeling lost and alone, feeling as if I will never return to feeling some kind of normality in my life again. Knowing now deep down I will never be the same again, because that day I lost a part of me, feeling broken beyond repair at least for how it seems that way. So if I don’t seem the same than before, know that I’m never going to be the same, knowing at the end of all this I am coming out of this a different person and I never be that person I once was. As I am learning to keep my distance, learning to live with this different kind of pain I have never known or felt before. Knowing that it will take time, as I grieve the part me has died that day, and along with the grieving, I am now living in fear that now knowing I have it in me to cross that line, the fear that I might do it again. Only time will tell, since that day in May when I crossed that line and know it will take time for things to come back together, someday I will find pieces of myself that have been lost for years and find brand new pieces of myself and someday be able to weave them all together. For now, it’s uncomfortable but I am learning it’s okay to feel lost, sometimes we have to go through the greatest unraveling to find where we’re meant to be. For now I accept that for now I am lost and unsure who I am or becoming, but when I come through the other side I will embrace who I am because that person would have gone through hell and back to become the person I am meant to be.