As I throw my thoughts out there into the void, not wanting an answer, I often find myself wondering more days than none. Wondering why, why lately I have been finding myself more and more lost in a world, in a world I always knew I never belonged in. Feeling like every time I feel like things are getting better I find myself in front of another obstacle, giving me the sense that I will never know peace, never know happiness, and never truly find my place. Of course knowing that I do not belonging in this world, can I really call it my world mine? Everyday I awake, finding myself feeling disappointed as I am still here, having to live another day in a life that I wish could only end. No longer wanting to feel lost and alone, excluded from the world I barely exist in. Finding that friends that come into my life and quickly walk out. In a sense I can’t really blame them for leaving so easily, I would walk away from me. Unfortunately I have to face my own demons that lay deep within my soul, the demons I battle day in and day out alone. Demons at time find it easier to give in and no longer fight them, as the fight in me no longer exist in me as it once did, weakened throughout the years of all those fights within myself. So I ask myself now, where do I go from here? Considering that existing in this world no long appeals to me, but the thought of ceasing to exist does not appeal to me. Therefore finding myself stuck fighting the demons within me, demons I wish could just take over and decide when and how my journey will end. I know my story gets old, and I guess in a way not having truly having someone to count on if the best way to be. At least if no one is around, then there is no one to walk out because my whole life has been nothing but an succession of people who swear they will always be there, that I can always count on them but at the end of it all they always walk away. At times my thoughts break me down emotionally, constantly draining me to the blink of feeling numb, but with the pain still crying to get out I find the best pain to get me through the night is not my emotional pain that bring me to my knees crying, but the physical pain that brings more relieve to me than anything else can. So when I look down at my scars, I am reminded of my many battles, battles that I only got through by my own self of pain.

There will come a time when that pain that is inflected upon myself, I feel will only carry me so far that I know the time will come where that will no longer be enough, that the only thing that will be left will be the ultimate end to it all. Knowing that as long as I endured this journey, that my journey would have to end at some point, finding myself at my final designation. Only time will tell when that time will arrive for me to choose for my journey to come to a complete halt, or take that detour and find a way to continue, as everything in life I have to prolong until the day comes when I will be determine to make that final decision, and as I have always feared and had prepared myself to do is to one day stop the pain emotionally and physically once and for all, and finally find my eternal peace I have longed for, for so long.

The days that my demons take over and I struggle to survive, just to make it though the night. I isolate myself from the world, knowing that this is a battle that I can only fight on my own. As I fight my demons and as much as I long for peace and it feel like it will always be never ending battle with myself, I will always keep fighting, never giving up on myself. When I look at my scars, my scars remind me of those endless battles night after night, those nights when my demons try to break me down but failed, they are reminders that I will not break, and always find my way back into the light. Knowing that this will not be how my story will end, I refuse to have my ending written for me, finding that the pages of yesterday can not be revised, the pages written across my arms will always remain a reminder, a reminder that I hold the pen and I and only I alone can decided if my story will be a sad story, or if my story will be an inspiring one. I know that I will always be fighting my demons until the very end, but one thing I know they will never win.