As I started to understand who I was and that even though I couldn’t be 100% myself, I was able to let my feminine side come out a little bit at certain times and those times spent with girls I have become friends with who embraced that side of me. I also was able to stripe down my boyish clothe and drape myself in everything I could get my hands on, being to able to embrace who I am and be happy even if it was for a moment. I was living with my Grandparents at the time that I have started Junior High, my parents were in the mist of a divorce and I was dumped off at my grandparents to live. Of course not being able to go home and live with my mother and my brothers, the feeling of being an outcast was confirmed and this time it wasn’t not because of who I was in the inside, but because I felt that I was never wanted as a child since I was born a mistake. So yes being careful not to be found out was there, but I always knew in the back of my mind I wanted to be caught so I didn’t have to hide who I was in the inside. I say this because I knew it might not matter since I felt like I didn’t matter, so I would take a lot of chance to be myself. When everyone would leave the house I would invade my aunt’s closet and play dress-up, it started with a skirt and top but each time I would explore even more with pantyhose, make-up, and heels. I would just stat in my aunt’s room, well keeping an eye and hear out for any sign of anyone pulling up in the driveway. As time progressed I would become more and more daring venturing out in the living room, kitchen, and at timed outside in the backyard. I felt completely myself and was happy to have been able to shed my boyish side even if it was just a temporary fix. I even gave myself my first female name; I had picked Jennifer for myself for a specific reason, the name Jennifer had meaning for me because in elementary it was the name of my best friend and my first schoolgirl crush. When I was with her or when we would talk on the phone for hours, I was able to be myself without judgment. Any ways I would getting more and more daring, that I felt there was no way they (my family) couldn’t know about me, which now I come to know they suspected something because when coming out everyone said they some how knew and it was no surprised. I would sneak clothe into my room and when everyone was asleep I would get dressed up, and I would go outside of my room and going the living room and just sit there looking out the window, at times I would venture outside but being night I would go out to the front yard and lay in the grass. Then it finally happened, it was in the middle of the night and I got all dressed up and was heading out of my room and went into the kitchen for something to drink, when suddenly I heard someone coming down the hall and I made a mad dash into the laundry room to stripe down and grab my clothe that may have been in the dryer to put on. Unable to do so, I hid behind the door standing there in a bra and panties I was caught trying to play it off, not sure what I was thinking as if I would be fooling anyone and know I didn’t but my aunt and grandparents amused me as I played it off as I was sleep walking. The next day knowing there is no way I had fooled everyone, which I didn’t not a single word was mentioned about it, well not to me at least. Knowing in the back of my mind I knew everyone, or at least most of the family knew and had talked about it, so when I came out it was no surprise hence the family always knew and guessing that I would come out on my own and not force it out of me. Which comes to mind the question, how would my life have been different if they have talked to me about it? Would I have come out then and with my whole family accepting me for who I am now, would they have accepted me then? And if they have, would I have been able to be myself and maybe some how started my journey earlier in life?