My whole life I always felt like an outcast, a lot was linked to being a little girl who was stuck in a boy’s body and couldn’t truly be myself. Even though I had to pretend to be something I wasn’t, that was only one reason but by far not the only reason. I knew that I was born a mistake, that I was not planned and with my parents being teenagers there was no doubt that I was not only a mistake but definitely not wanted what so ever. Growing up knowing that I was an accident I felt not only unwanted but also felt like I was looked at as their biggest regret and their biggest roadblock for any kind of promising future for my parents. My feeling was amplified when ever surrounded by my siblings and my cousins, as they would always get praise and family would talk proudly of them from the biggest down to the smallest of accomplishments, yet I would never hear it myself for anything I was proud of accomplishing but only heard when I failed how much of a disappointment I was. Only one I could not do wrong in her eyes, always proud of me and most all made me feel like I belonged in this world was my grandmother, nana Maria.

My grandmother and I were very close, and every chance I had I spent my time with her. We would cook together, even though I really wasn’t much help but mostly watch, we would talk about life, dreams, and anything that came to mind. I remember learning how to sew from her, she’s the reason why I know how to make minor mending jobs to fix my sock, shirts, pants and others. My favorite time was when we would watch television before bedtime and I would put my head on her lap and she would stroke my hair, it was always calming for me. Even as a teenager when I was upset at the world, mainly at times I found myself mad at my family, I would lay down next to my grandmother like I always did when I was a little girl and everything that was wrong went away. My grandmother always made things feel right in the world, a world where I was always finding myself lost and confused between my body and mind. I feel that some how my grandmother knew without saying a word, I say this because we did things that a grandmother and a granddaughter would do, opposed to what a grandmother and grandson would do, I say this because I didn’t do any of the same thing with my other grandmother, with my other grandmother I was always doing “boy” things. Some how deep down as I look back on those days spent with her, there is no doubt that she knew, the cooking, sewing, the perfumed bubble baths I loved because I came out smelling girly, and bedtime where I would get ready for bed and not have brought clothe to sleep in, she would bring me a nightgown that belonged to my aunt who was not that much older then me. This is what mostly stuck out the perfumed bath knowing it would make me happy because of the countless time I would tell her I loved the way I smelled after and wish I could always smell that way, then the nightgown because I could have easily worn my uncle over size t-shirt but I always happily accept the nightgown. Without saying a word and allowing me to be myself without fear of coming across girly, I now know that she knew and loved and always assured I felt loved and most of all belonged in the family.

When she wasn’t around as much towards the end I dealt with not belonging in a different way, the beginning of my increase thoughts of wishing I didn’t exist and that is when the cutting begun, which was my way of dealing with myself and my downward spiral not having my grandmother there anymore. That is where I learned to channel my thoughts and feeling in writing, where the cutting was just to feel the pain I felt and no longer cutting to find the end.

There isn’t a day that passes that I don’t think of here, wishing that she was here with me, and to be able to see the woman she always knew I would become someday. Some how I know she is with me in not only in my heart and mind, but some how with me in spirit and is on this journey with me. Thank you nana Maria, thank you for always being there, loving me unconditionally, and most of all allowing me to be myself.

“My grandmother taught me everything I know, except how to live without her.”

I have found myself, and with that found friends and family who are showing me how to live and find the good in life even in those darkest hours. Finally feeling like I belong in this world, finding my happiness once again.